According to an old diary …it’s coming up to almost 21 years since I started to believe that I was truly deserving of a good life.
I had been in a very toxic relationship, and I could never really see this relationship for what it was…love is blind don’t they say? I seemed to just keep giving and I felt bit by bit that I was dissolving into dust…soon to be nothing more than a shell or a shadow of my previous self.
My diary entry back then… October 22nd 2001
Ok, here we go ..catch up of last few weeks after returning home from Cairns Australia
One day, I lay awake, realising that not only was I able to smell the coffee, but my whole entire head was completely immersed in the stuff.
This one morning, I lay next to the person I would have given the whole world to, the stars, the moon, the stars…these could have been his – the amount of love I had for this guy was so substantial it literally made me ache. Ache seems ineffective in what I felt. I felt I would burst. I felt I was being eaten slowly inside out. I believed at first this was the feeling of love…But oh jeez how wrong I was.
The knots in my stomach, the confusion in my head, the ache in my heart, were all down to betrayal, hurt and mistrust. I looked at him asleep – knowing in my own heart that there was no way on this earth that he truly loves me. Oh no I was just this young girl that he was able to mold into what he wanted. Someone that would give him every part of their soul and not question it.
This girl was of course me – not the strongest of people. I may even be described as soft. But now the only thing I can describe myself as is “FOOL”
How could my love for him have blinded me to all his nonobvious verbal abuse – constantly making me doubt myself, my own decisions in the end making me feel that I was a destroyed worthless piece of poop.
Depressed!!! I was past that. I was in this deep dark world that no matter how hard I tried, I could not see even the littlest glimpse of light. I knew this wasn’t me and indeed I would have drowned if Id stayed there any longer.
Suddenly something in the depths of despair made me realise for a second, that I wasn’t this young little impressionable girl anymore. I was indeed a grown up and I had the strength to stick up for myself and I could make decisions I could be proud of.
Booking that plane ticket home to rainy happy cold England has been the best decision I have ever made.
This guy’s sexy l’il smile was his only way of hiding the numerous cheats he’d conquered, the bad decisions he had made and his best lie of all “I love you Vic”
I don’t know about anyone else in this world… but for me – if he is saying he loves me ..I would hate to be his enemy!!!
At first my heart took a bit of a bashing and as they say ” All this hurt and so much pain, takes a while to regain, what is lost inside”
But I actually wake up every morning with a smile on my face – singing Hosannah as I know that I have a wonderful future ahead of me.
I AM SOMETHING
I AM SOMEONE
Away from him I finally realise it!!!
Diary extract finished ————————————————————————–
So, looking back on that I actually feel so much gratitude to this guy.
He was part of the reason I am who I am now.
I don’t have regrets and I no longer feel that he was totally to blame.
I was not able to love myself at this time and to be fair to him this is something he always pointed out, “You can’t love someone else until you love yourself”
From the start I couldn’t believe why he would like me…and I would think everyone looking at us would think the same and I guess the desperation for me to believe this in my mind …meant slowly giving away ME. I tried to be everything he wanted and do anything he wanted…but maybe all he truly wanted was Me …Me without the desperation to please, me without the need to keep him close and me who didn’t have to stay up frantic every night worrying where he was. In all this desperation to prove that I was worthy of his love. I was pushing him away. Like they say .. if you hold sand in a slightly curved hand, you can hold the sand for as long as you want but if you close your hand tight …the sand trickles through your fingers. (I will never know the answer to this …but I can see now that my feelings about myself could have instigated many of his actions. I realise now that I wasn’t just unhappy with him…but I was mostly unhappy within ME and maybe he knew this.
I would say it’s been a very long journey to get where I am today, but I feel this guy was actually my saviour – he instigated this pinnacle of change within me. A change that maybe I need to Thank him for.
I was not supposed to lead an unhappy life and the 7 years of our relationship gave me the foundation to know I am worthy, and I deserve to be happy. In the midst of this deep black hole, I had the strength to crawl out on my hands and knees and this is something I would not have known, without him. This relationship gave me the visual evidence of my strength, my resilience and the love for myself to battle through.
If I had not endured these struggles, I would never have learnt to grow myself. I would not have appreciated my kind, loving husband for everything he stands for and is and I would never have had such a beautiful meaningful life that means the world to me.
The beauty in writing this too has shown me that not only do I forgive him, but I forgive myself too. I also thank myself for holding on when at times I felt far too broken.
Sometimes when you feel like life is just too much…please hold on because believe me greater things are on the other side…. You weren’t meant to live that life ….
Much Love
Vix
Xxxx